50 SHADES OF GREY Thinking: Are the Alarmists Missing the Important Layers of This Fiction?
Love is not separate from lust in a marriageable relationship.
Is the myth of virgin taming the wild thing lost on us today?
What is an inappropriate sexual first time? And all the blood and pain of a "traditional" wedding night is bull, and unnecessary except to those who think blood and pain prove virginity, not impatience and lack of foreplay.
Trust, whips, bindings. Do you trust your lover / spouse / significant other / partner?
What is the emotional and physical cost of redemption -- with your help -- for someone you love?
We're all piggybacking on the interest of this "controversy" but is the alarmists for domestic violence going too far in apparently proposing the attitude that properly agreed upon bondage, dominance, submission, and sado-masochistic behaviors LEAD to true violence and domination in physically intimate relationships without a woman's inability to stand for herself and say no.
That's not what I've learned from the news about bad and violent marriage, date rape, and war crimes. The nonplay crimes.
The limits change and can be misunderstood, that is a the end of the first book; Anastasia's misunderstanding what her limits are, and Christian's misunderstanding of his own motives (properly diagnosed, but he rejects that truth and internalizes the incorrect negative).
Are you certain she's not a sneaky dominant, rewriting or discarding his long held rules? And he the actual submissive submitting to her changes?
And never underestimate the charming fiction that we can influence and change someone with love; it can happen, but is not something you can count on or depend. But romantic female fiction is being loving and effective in that love; romantic male fiction is being hero and leader (soldier, warrior, cowboy, pirate, special ops).
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Monday, May 19, 2014
10 Oldest Surviving Documents Of Their Type Plus 1 by Alan Boyle
http://listverse.com/2013/11/10/10-oldest-surviving-documents-of-their-type-in-the-world-2/
Writing things down is one of the most important innovations
in human history. As well as being able to spread ideas accurately
across distance and time, writing also provided the records needed for
law to function. Documents have literally changed the world, and some of
them have survived for hundreds or even thousands of years.
Every type of document provides a unique window into our shared heritage as human beings, in ways that are both surprising and fascinating.
The Hittites and the Egyptians were among the earliest great civilizations. They had an uneasy relationship and both wielded a relatively large amount of military power for the time. One of their key sticking points was the city of Kadesh, located in what is now Syria. In the 13th century BC the Hittites marched on the city, which was under Egyptian control, and took it, giving them a threatening position over important trade routes.
Egypt’s Pharaoh Ramesses II (later known as Ramesses the Great) marched with 20,000 of his own men to take it back. The ensuing battle was a draw.
Both sides realized that neither of them was likely to gain a decisive victory, so sought another solution. The result was a peace agreement, signed around 1269 BC, which is the oldest surviving treaty in existence. A copy is on display in the United Nations, because they’re really into treaties there. A translation of both the Hittite version and the Egyptian version is available. The treaty promises everlasting peace, created by the leaders “in order not to permit hostilities to arise between them, forever.
There are clauses agreeing that should an Egyptian flee to the lands of the Hittites (or vice versa) they will be returned to their homeland, making it the oldest extradition treaty as well. The countries also agree to send troops to one another’s aid should a third party attack.
While there is a lot in the treaty we’d consider at the height of diplomatic relations, few people would nowadays be comfortable with the promise to send troops to squelch any uprisings from within a neighbor’s country: “If Reamasesa, king of the country of Egypt, rises in anger against his citizens after they have committed a wrong against him… the king of the country of Hatti, my brother, has to send his troops and his chariots and they have to exterminate all those against.” The promise is made in the other direction as well.
Whilst humans have dabbled in healthcare of some sort since our earliest days, the first record we have of specific medical advice is in the form of an Egyptian papyrus. This document is 4,000 years old and is known as the Kahun Gynaecological Papyrus. It was discovered in 1889 and contains information on the diagnosis and treatment of a number of ailments.
While some of the meaning may have been lost over the millennia, Egyptian women seem to have suffered from some unusual conditions, like the smell of roasting while their womb wandered. The Egyptians liked to blame the womb for a whole bunch of stuff that probably wasn’t related. For example, “a woman whose eyes are aching till she cannot see, on top of aches in her neck” is diagnosed as having “discharges of the womb in her eyes.”
The recommended treatment is fumigation of the womb (ouch). Toothache? “It is toothache of the womb” and more fumigation is needed. If your ears hurt so much you can’t make out the words you’re hearing, that’s also the womb. It’s really nothing but trouble.
The pyramids of Egypt are amazing structures built by the greatest craftsmen of their era (not slaves and definitely not aliens). They were built as a resting place for Egypt’s rulers, and the walls were lined with stories and spells designed to help the soul on its journey to the afterlife. The oldest of these inscriptions comes from the pyramids of Unas and are the oldest surviving religious texts in the world.
The texts bring us the earliest description of Osiris, Egypt’s king of the dead. They are written in a way that suggests the words were designed to be chanted, or at least spoken allowed. The description of ascent to the afterlife is rather poetic, comparing spirits to herons, haws, and grasshoppers leaping into the air.
A full English translation is available online should you wish to try any of the spells for yourself.
Early literature often came in the form of poetry. Before writing, oral tradition passed on stories through the generations and poetry was an easy way to learn and recite tales. The Epic of Gilgamesh is a contender for the first epic poem. The earliest surviving written versions are dated to around 2,000 BC. There is actually a shorter surviving poem older than that—ancient Sumeria’s Tale of the Shipwrecked Sailor. It’s exactly what the title suggests.
The oldest love poem in the world is only slightly younger. Written on a tablet about the size of a cell phone, the 4,000 year old Sumerian ballad also contains the oldest recorded chat-up line: “You have captivated me, let me stand trembling before you; Bridegroom, I would be taken to the bedchamber.”
It seems the last several thousand years has seen the quality of propositions heading in the wrong direction. And on the subject of sex…
There’s a famous commentary on human sexuality, that “every generation thinks they invented sex.” It’s seen as a mass delusion to avoid having to think about your parents or grandparents going at it (or at least going at it enthusiastically).
Yet the Ancient Egyptians have left evidence that they had the whole thing down pretty early on, in the form of the Turin Erotic Papyrus. The document, which is over 3,000 years old, features diagrams of twelve different sexual positions.
Some of the equipment seen scattered around the amorous couples in the pictures has been pretty standard forever, like beer and wine. Other stuff, such as the love rattle or the huge phallus supported by a team of handmaidens, fell out of favor until the Internet came along.
The positions fall somewhere between impressively acrobatic and unnervingly ambitious. A man doing a handstand falls into the former category, whereas the man on the ground chasing a woman on a chariot is a definite case of the latter.
The message in a bottle has a firm place in our cultural consciousness. The oldest one talked about on the Internet is that of Chunosuke Matsuyama, who supposedly sent out a message in 1784, asking for rescue after he became shipwrecked. The message washed up on a beach in 1935, a little too late.
The Internet, however, offers up no images or indication as to where the bottle is now. It’s likely this story is apocryphal—Guinness World Records certainly seems to think so, so the “oldest bottle” title lies elsewhere.
The oldest confirmed message in a bottle ever found is from 1914. It had spent 35,736 days at sea when it was found by Scottish fisherman Andrew Leaper on April 12, 2012. The message had been launched as part of a scientific experiment to map sea currents for Scotland’s Fishery Board. It may be less romantic than the last words of an abandoned sailor (or a lonely British pop star), but it’s at least a bit more useful.
The oldest correspondence ever sent were diplomatic letters between the pharaohs of Egypt and neighboring statesmen. These clay tablets, known as the Amarna letters, were sent in the 14th century BC.
Jerusalem’s Canaanite king Abdi-Heba used one letter to ask the pharaoh Akhenaten for military assistance against other city states in the region.
The letters were dug up in 1887 and are now housed in various museums around Europe. One example in the British Museum is from the king of Mitanni, a city state in modern-day Syria. It is addressed to pharaoh Amenhotep III and wishes him and his family well, before saying that a statue of the goddess Ishtar is on its way. The goddess herself had apparently given direct approval.
Texts in some Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism are known as sutras. The best known of these in the West is the Kama Sutra, but it is far from the only one.
The oldest complete printed and dated book is a Buddhist text known as the Diamond Sutra, a name apparently suggested by the Buddha himself, as the text is designed to “cut like a diamond blade through worldly illusion to illuminate what is real and everlasting.”
It was found hidden in a cave in 1907 by a British explorer, one of 40,000 documents that had been locked away for around 900 years. The cave in the desert, with its dry air, had helped to preserve the items. The text deals with identity and criticizes the idea that people have an immutable core.
The book holds itself in very high regard, quoting the Buddha as saying, “if a good son or good daughter dedicates lifetimes as many as the sands in the River Ganges to charitable acts, and there were another person who memorized as much as one four-line verse of this scripture and taught it to others, the merit of the latter would be by far greater.”
The Elephantine Papyri are a collection of documents dated to the 5th Century BC found on the island of Elephantine in the River Nile. At the time a Jewish settlement called Yeb was located there as an Egyptian garrison. Among the various letters and contracts were three marriage certificates, the oldest known to survive.
The contracts appear to have been drawn up in unusual situations. The brides were a slave, a former slave, and a divorcee. The purpose of the documents was to record the economics of the wedding, including the dowry. If the marriage was later dissolved, the wife got to take this along with the possessions she brought with her.
One lucky groom was named Ananiah ben Azariah and his bride was a handmaiden called Tamut. The certificate contains sections that have been erased or added to, suggesting last-minute negotiations.
The Codes of Ur Nammu are the oldest laws that we know of, a creation of the Sumerian king of that name. The codes were written around 2,050 BC and covered a wide array of crimes. The punishments set out include a fine of 15 shekels for perjury, compared to a fine of five shekels for raping a slave. Cutting off a man’s foot falls exactly between these two crimes and will set you back 10 shekels.
Ur Nammu’s code also included rules about tax, courtroom procedures, and ceremonial laws. The period when the laws were written was called, “Year Ur-Nammu Made Justice In The Land.”
The implementation of laws seems to have worked out fairly well, as the empire prospered under Ur-Nammu’s rules. The rules are imperfect: speaking insolently was punished by having one’s mouth scoured with salt, a law that applied only to slave women. Nevertheless, the idea of a codified set of laws was an important step in humanity’s progress.
The world’s first newspaper was launched in Germany in the early 1600s and was snappily called Relation aller Fürnemmen und gedenckwürdigen Historien (Collection of all Distinguished and Commemorable News). There are no surviving copies for the first four years it was published; the earliest copy that exists is from 1609.
The papers were published in Strasbourg, a Catholic city, so the protestant Relation published anonymously to avoid given away the printing location.
The oldest surviving English language newspaper was printed in Amsterdam and dated 2 December, 1620. It opened with the line, “new tydings out of Italie are not yet com,” which seems unfortunate.
It had no title, as that wasn’t considered particularly important. After all, if there are no other newspapers you don’t need to make yours stand out. The oldest surviving newspaper printed in England (in 1621) was snappily called, “”Corante, or weekely newes from Italy, Germany, Hungary, Poland, Bohemia, France and the Low Countreys.”
America didn’t get a home-grown newspaper till 1690.
10 Oldest Surviving Documents Of Their Type
Every type of document provides a unique window into our shared heritage as human beings, in ways that are both surprising and fascinating.
10 Oldest International Treaty
The Hittites and the Egyptians were among the earliest great civilizations. They had an uneasy relationship and both wielded a relatively large amount of military power for the time. One of their key sticking points was the city of Kadesh, located in what is now Syria. In the 13th century BC the Hittites marched on the city, which was under Egyptian control, and took it, giving them a threatening position over important trade routes.
Egypt’s Pharaoh Ramesses II (later known as Ramesses the Great) marched with 20,000 of his own men to take it back. The ensuing battle was a draw.
Both sides realized that neither of them was likely to gain a decisive victory, so sought another solution. The result was a peace agreement, signed around 1269 BC, which is the oldest surviving treaty in existence. A copy is on display in the United Nations, because they’re really into treaties there. A translation of both the Hittite version and the Egyptian version is available. The treaty promises everlasting peace, created by the leaders “in order not to permit hostilities to arise between them, forever.
There are clauses agreeing that should an Egyptian flee to the lands of the Hittites (or vice versa) they will be returned to their homeland, making it the oldest extradition treaty as well. The countries also agree to send troops to one another’s aid should a third party attack.
While there is a lot in the treaty we’d consider at the height of diplomatic relations, few people would nowadays be comfortable with the promise to send troops to squelch any uprisings from within a neighbor’s country: “If Reamasesa, king of the country of Egypt, rises in anger against his citizens after they have committed a wrong against him… the king of the country of Hatti, my brother, has to send his troops and his chariots and they have to exterminate all those against.” The promise is made in the other direction as well.
9 Oldest Surviving Medical Document
Whilst humans have dabbled in healthcare of some sort since our earliest days, the first record we have of specific medical advice is in the form of an Egyptian papyrus. This document is 4,000 years old and is known as the Kahun Gynaecological Papyrus. It was discovered in 1889 and contains information on the diagnosis and treatment of a number of ailments.
While some of the meaning may have been lost over the millennia, Egyptian women seem to have suffered from some unusual conditions, like the smell of roasting while their womb wandered. The Egyptians liked to blame the womb for a whole bunch of stuff that probably wasn’t related. For example, “a woman whose eyes are aching till she cannot see, on top of aches in her neck” is diagnosed as having “discharges of the womb in her eyes.”
The recommended treatment is fumigation of the womb (ouch). Toothache? “It is toothache of the womb” and more fumigation is needed. If your ears hurt so much you can’t make out the words you’re hearing, that’s also the womb. It’s really nothing but trouble.
8 Oldest Surviving Religious Texts
The pyramids of Egypt are amazing structures built by the greatest craftsmen of their era (not slaves and definitely not aliens). They were built as a resting place for Egypt’s rulers, and the walls were lined with stories and spells designed to help the soul on its journey to the afterlife. The oldest of these inscriptions comes from the pyramids of Unas and are the oldest surviving religious texts in the world.
The texts bring us the earliest description of Osiris, Egypt’s king of the dead. They are written in a way that suggests the words were designed to be chanted, or at least spoken allowed. The description of ascent to the afterlife is rather poetic, comparing spirits to herons, haws, and grasshoppers leaping into the air.
A full English translation is available online should you wish to try any of the spells for yourself.
7 Oldest Surviving Poem
Early literature often came in the form of poetry. Before writing, oral tradition passed on stories through the generations and poetry was an easy way to learn and recite tales. The Epic of Gilgamesh is a contender for the first epic poem. The earliest surviving written versions are dated to around 2,000 BC. There is actually a shorter surviving poem older than that—ancient Sumeria’s Tale of the Shipwrecked Sailor. It’s exactly what the title suggests.
The oldest love poem in the world is only slightly younger. Written on a tablet about the size of a cell phone, the 4,000 year old Sumerian ballad also contains the oldest recorded chat-up line: “You have captivated me, let me stand trembling before you; Bridegroom, I would be taken to the bedchamber.”
It seems the last several thousand years has seen the quality of propositions heading in the wrong direction. And on the subject of sex…
6 Oldest Depiction Of Sex
There’s a famous commentary on human sexuality, that “every generation thinks they invented sex.” It’s seen as a mass delusion to avoid having to think about your parents or grandparents going at it (or at least going at it enthusiastically).
Yet the Ancient Egyptians have left evidence that they had the whole thing down pretty early on, in the form of the Turin Erotic Papyrus. The document, which is over 3,000 years old, features diagrams of twelve different sexual positions.
Some of the equipment seen scattered around the amorous couples in the pictures has been pretty standard forever, like beer and wine. Other stuff, such as the love rattle or the huge phallus supported by a team of handmaidens, fell out of favor until the Internet came along.
The positions fall somewhere between impressively acrobatic and unnervingly ambitious. A man doing a handstand falls into the former category, whereas the man on the ground chasing a woman on a chariot is a definite case of the latter.
5 Oldest Message In A Bottle
The message in a bottle has a firm place in our cultural consciousness. The oldest one talked about on the Internet is that of Chunosuke Matsuyama, who supposedly sent out a message in 1784, asking for rescue after he became shipwrecked. The message washed up on a beach in 1935, a little too late.
The Internet, however, offers up no images or indication as to where the bottle is now. It’s likely this story is apocryphal—Guinness World Records certainly seems to think so, so the “oldest bottle” title lies elsewhere.
The oldest confirmed message in a bottle ever found is from 1914. It had spent 35,736 days at sea when it was found by Scottish fisherman Andrew Leaper on April 12, 2012. The message had been launched as part of a scientific experiment to map sea currents for Scotland’s Fishery Board. It may be less romantic than the last words of an abandoned sailor (or a lonely British pop star), but it’s at least a bit more useful.
4 Oldest Correspondence
The oldest correspondence ever sent were diplomatic letters between the pharaohs of Egypt and neighboring statesmen. These clay tablets, known as the Amarna letters, were sent in the 14th century BC.
Jerusalem’s Canaanite king Abdi-Heba used one letter to ask the pharaoh Akhenaten for military assistance against other city states in the region.
The letters were dug up in 1887 and are now housed in various museums around Europe. One example in the British Museum is from the king of Mitanni, a city state in modern-day Syria. It is addressed to pharaoh Amenhotep III and wishes him and his family well, before saying that a statue of the goddess Ishtar is on its way. The goddess herself had apparently given direct approval.
3 Oldest Printed Book Bearing A Date
Texts in some Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism are known as sutras. The best known of these in the West is the Kama Sutra, but it is far from the only one.
The oldest complete printed and dated book is a Buddhist text known as the Diamond Sutra, a name apparently suggested by the Buddha himself, as the text is designed to “cut like a diamond blade through worldly illusion to illuminate what is real and everlasting.”
It was found hidden in a cave in 1907 by a British explorer, one of 40,000 documents that had been locked away for around 900 years. The cave in the desert, with its dry air, had helped to preserve the items. The text deals with identity and criticizes the idea that people have an immutable core.
The book holds itself in very high regard, quoting the Buddha as saying, “if a good son or good daughter dedicates lifetimes as many as the sands in the River Ganges to charitable acts, and there were another person who memorized as much as one four-line verse of this scripture and taught it to others, the merit of the latter would be by far greater.”
2 Oldest Marriage Certificate
The Elephantine Papyri are a collection of documents dated to the 5th Century BC found on the island of Elephantine in the River Nile. At the time a Jewish settlement called Yeb was located there as an Egyptian garrison. Among the various letters and contracts were three marriage certificates, the oldest known to survive.
The contracts appear to have been drawn up in unusual situations. The brides were a slave, a former slave, and a divorcee. The purpose of the documents was to record the economics of the wedding, including the dowry. If the marriage was later dissolved, the wife got to take this along with the possessions she brought with her.
One lucky groom was named Ananiah ben Azariah and his bride was a handmaiden called Tamut. The certificate contains sections that have been erased or added to, suggesting last-minute negotiations.
1 Oldest Surviving Set Of Laws
The Codes of Ur Nammu are the oldest laws that we know of, a creation of the Sumerian king of that name. The codes were written around 2,050 BC and covered a wide array of crimes. The punishments set out include a fine of 15 shekels for perjury, compared to a fine of five shekels for raping a slave. Cutting off a man’s foot falls exactly between these two crimes and will set you back 10 shekels.
Ur Nammu’s code also included rules about tax, courtroom procedures, and ceremonial laws. The period when the laws were written was called, “Year Ur-Nammu Made Justice In The Land.”
The implementation of laws seems to have worked out fairly well, as the empire prospered under Ur-Nammu’s rules. The rules are imperfect: speaking insolently was punished by having one’s mouth scoured with salt, a law that applied only to slave women. Nevertheless, the idea of a codified set of laws was an important step in humanity’s progress.
+ Oldest Newspaper
The world’s first newspaper was launched in Germany in the early 1600s and was snappily called Relation aller Fürnemmen und gedenckwürdigen Historien (Collection of all Distinguished and Commemorable News). There are no surviving copies for the first four years it was published; the earliest copy that exists is from 1609.
The papers were published in Strasbourg, a Catholic city, so the protestant Relation published anonymously to avoid given away the printing location.
The oldest surviving English language newspaper was printed in Amsterdam and dated 2 December, 1620. It opened with the line, “new tydings out of Italie are not yet com,” which seems unfortunate.
It had no title, as that wasn’t considered particularly important. After all, if there are no other newspapers you don’t need to make yours stand out. The oldest surviving newspaper printed in England (in 1621) was snappily called, “”Corante, or weekely newes from Italy, Germany, Hungary, Poland, Bohemia, France and the Low Countreys.”
America didn’t get a home-grown newspaper till 1690.
Alan is a full-time writer who you can pester on Twitter, email, or read his blog (which he promises to update more often) at skepticalnumber.com.
Thursday, February 07, 2013
Character stuff: The 21-Minute Secret to a Happier Marriage By Elise Solé, Shine
In
the time it takes to shower, get a manicure, or run to the post office,
you could have a happier marriage. According to the results of an
upcoming study in the journal Psychological Science, just three seven-minute writing exercises over a one-year period could drastically improve your bond.
More on Yahoo! Shine: Is Distance the Key to a Happy Marriage?
The two-year study included 120 married couples, ranging from 20-somethings to 70-somethings who had on average been married for 11 years. During the first year, the couples were asked to sit down every four months and write about their biggest recent conflict such as tiffs about cleaning or sex-related gripes.
For the second year, the researchers switched things up: They had one group of couples continue recording their conflicts and a second group write them from the perspective of a third party who wanted the best for them, such as a mutual friend. That way, the couples couldn't write things like, "It made me so angry when he was late" but rather "Chris was two hours late coming home."
The results were surprising: Although the second group's arguments were just as frequent and severe as the first group's, the couples who wrote from a neutral perspective felt less angry toward their partners, experienced more sexual attraction for each other, and their happiness levels stabilized rather than declined.
More on Yahoo! 10 Money Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage
"Previous research shows that relationship satisfaction decreases over the course of a marriage but these writing exercises act as a buffer for unhappiness," says Eli Finkel, Ph.D., lead author of the study and professor of psychology at Northwestern University. "The trick is to get outside your own head. By processing conflict from a neutral perspective, you better understand where your partner is coming from and are able to let go of grudges."
Easy, right? Try these other tricks for a happier relationship in 21 minutes or less.
Exercise together: Going for a quick run or walk around the block with your partner will do more than keep you shape; it'll make you feel happier and sexier. Exercise releases feel-good neurotransmitters called endorphins and breaking a sweat increases blood flow straight to your nether regions.
Conjure up a romantic memory: Research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that extraverts owe their happy outlook to their habit of getting nostalgic. So daydream about the first time you met or your wedding day. Bonus points for swapping memories.
Exchange back rubs: No surprise that massage feels luxurious but it can also enhance romantic feelings. That's because physical contact stimulates the production of the happy hormone oxytocin. Ahhh….
More on Yahoo! Shine:
5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Revealed by Divorce
How to Have a Happy Marriage
The 10 Habits That Keep Marriages Strong
Friday, January 11, 2013
Reference_Sex Info Online: Incest Laws in the United States
Sex Info Online: Incest Laws in the United States
Incest is defined as sexual activity between close family members. It is looked down upon and forbidden in a large majority of cultures. In most Western societies, incest is illegal and punishable by law. There is some evidence that incest was controversial in ancient times, practiced by the Egyptians but frowned upon by the Romans. Incest sometimes appeared in royal dynasties, in order to keep wealth and political power within the royal families.
Although there is some evidence of incest occurring in the past, it was by probably not too common. Incestuous marriages did occur, but they certainly were rare (Wikipedia, 2006).
Looking at the statistics today, it seems that incest is more common than people may believe.
It is estimated that one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Of sexually abused girls, over half are abused by their biological fathers. Uncles and stepfathers are the other leading offenders. Incest is sexual relations between two people who are so closely related that marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom. The participants could be blood relatives or relatives through marriage.
This definition excludes husband and wife relatives.
One of the persons often involved in an incestuous relationship is a child. Although adult and sibling incest can occur, incest is more likely to take place between an older and younger relative.
The most commonly reported incestuous relationship is between a father and his daughter. However, studies show brother-sister and first-cousin sexual activity occur more often. Studies have also shown that in most sibling or cousin incest situations, one or both parents seem to be absent emotionally or physically.
According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, most cases of rape in the United States reported are within a family.
Ninety nine percent of sexual abusers are men, and many of these men were themselves abused as children.
Although most sexual abuse victims are females, males account for at least a quarter of those abused (ICASA).
Incest is often though of as sexual assault of children and can be a form of rape in many cases (RAINN, 2006). However, incest can also be consensual. In some cases, incest can occur between two consenting adults who may enjoy the act and their relationship. This is not often the case though, and incest can result in long-term negative consequences.
Children who are victims of incest frequently experience the following:
Children and adults who are victims of incest may develop a fear of sex or other sexual disorders. They may have a difficult time trusting other people, especially if the offender was someone who was once trusted by and close to the victim (RAINN, 2006).
In the United States, incest is defined as sexual contact between those so closely related that if they were to marry it would be illegal. [marriage and sex between blacks and whites was illegal and not always incest; but sometimes was_laws are tricky_NS]
Expectations about incest differ from culture to culture, as most standards for sex do, so what is considered taboo in the US or other Western cultures may not be viewed negatively in other cultures.
In some areas of the Arab world and India for example, about half of marriages occur between first cousins (RAINN, 2006). Since different cultures have different standards for many sexual matters, it is difficult to create a worldwide definition of incest and when it should be a crime. Incest, particularly non-consensual, can frequently result in long lasting negative psychological consequences.
2. Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. (2006). Incest.
3. Wikpedia. (2006). Incest.
Last Updated: May 25, 2012
Incest is defined as sexual activity between close family members. It is looked down upon and forbidden in a large majority of cultures. In most Western societies, incest is illegal and punishable by law. There is some evidence that incest was controversial in ancient times, practiced by the Egyptians but frowned upon by the Romans. Incest sometimes appeared in royal dynasties, in order to keep wealth and political power within the royal families.
Although there is some evidence of incest occurring in the past, it was by probably not too common. Incestuous marriages did occur, but they certainly were rare (Wikipedia, 2006).
Looking at the statistics today, it seems that incest is more common than people may believe.
It is estimated that one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Of sexually abused girls, over half are abused by their biological fathers. Uncles and stepfathers are the other leading offenders. Incest is sexual relations between two people who are so closely related that marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom. The participants could be blood relatives or relatives through marriage.
This definition excludes husband and wife relatives.
One of the persons often involved in an incestuous relationship is a child. Although adult and sibling incest can occur, incest is more likely to take place between an older and younger relative.
The most commonly reported incestuous relationship is between a father and his daughter. However, studies show brother-sister and first-cousin sexual activity occur more often. Studies have also shown that in most sibling or cousin incest situations, one or both parents seem to be absent emotionally or physically.
According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, most cases of rape in the United States reported are within a family.
Ninety nine percent of sexual abusers are men, and many of these men were themselves abused as children.
Although most sexual abuse victims are females, males account for at least a quarter of those abused (ICASA).
Incest is often though of as sexual assault of children and can be a form of rape in many cases (RAINN, 2006). However, incest can also be consensual. In some cases, incest can occur between two consenting adults who may enjoy the act and their relationship. This is not often the case though, and incest can result in long-term negative consequences.
Children who are victims of incest frequently experience the following:
- withdrawal
- depression
- sleeping and eating disorders
- anxiety
- guilt
- academic problems
Children and adults who are victims of incest may develop a fear of sex or other sexual disorders. They may have a difficult time trusting other people, especially if the offender was someone who was once trusted by and close to the victim (RAINN, 2006).
In the United States, incest is defined as sexual contact between those so closely related that if they were to marry it would be illegal. [marriage and sex between blacks and whites was illegal and not always incest; but sometimes was_laws are tricky_NS]
Expectations about incest differ from culture to culture, as most standards for sex do, so what is considered taboo in the US or other Western cultures may not be viewed negatively in other cultures.
In some areas of the Arab world and India for example, about half of marriages occur between first cousins (RAINN, 2006). Since different cultures have different standards for many sexual matters, it is difficult to create a worldwide definition of incest and when it should be a crime. Incest, particularly non-consensual, can frequently result in long lasting negative psychological consequences.
References
1. Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault. Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse2. Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. (2006). Incest.
3. Wikpedia. (2006). Incest.
Last Updated: May 25, 2012
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Saturday, January 21, 2012
Free Short Story online_The Veil: 1846 by Neale Sourna
The Veil: 1846
Gretna Green, ScotlandHis mother hates me, fears that I'll take him from her, or, well actually, neither he nor I know for certain what she holds against me. But he understands this hindrance; that she wishes to post the banns for his marriage to … that other person.
So we ran, he and I, with my aunt's tacit approval, including giving me a gift before our late night journey began northward, to Scotland's nearest border and the famous Blacksmiths of Gretna Green, who forge both metal and legal marriage.
We were soaked from the rain's downpour, literally steaming in the hot work shelter, leaving me unable to wear my aunt's fair gift, as the smith was hot of foot to close and splash through cold puddles and slick mud to dry home and warm supper, and so we'd married without our rings, too deeply buried in my love's valise for safekeeping, as the smith impatiently waited to legally bind us.
And we runaways were forged together, man to woman, husband to wife, with full intent to double secure our matrimonial with a visit to a somewhat distant, but well-respected, ordained minister—in insurance against my new mother-in-law's contrary wishes and any possible suit of that other's frail love and family, in desiring to forever bind him in law, and with child.
We'd been hard pressed by possible pursuit and by our own leaping hearts to be forged together as one, over the tongs of Scotland's generous law. Now, it was done.
* * * *
We'd arrived at this lovely, gabled inn, a room was provided, warm meal and warm blankets, too, and our clothes had gone to be cleared of travel mud and dried.
All we wore were scratchy, woolen blankets.
We ate in mute happiness with nervousness underlying our delicate, new bond. Words of power had been spoken in that forge's rainproof shelter, the smith's apprentice a witness to acknowledge our new status in sacred mutual agreement; and the minister's extra weight of rank and piety would hold till floods ceased.
Our meal was eaten, with only bodily consummation the next surety to our bond of runaway love as yet left undone. We put aside food and wine for later, in case we hungered and thirsted in the night, during our first night alon‑.
I ran, with nerves too heightened, to the window and stared out, and stated, "The rain slows." He came and stood behind me, he in his blanket and I... http://www.weddingnight.com/stories/the-veil.htmlSunday, November 27, 2011
Character REAL Traits: 9 Tricky Marriage Transitions—Mastered
[Real character traits to influence your character's realistic traits. Real people not flat, paper people._Neale Sourna]
For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health-your marriage vows hinted that you'd face hurdles along the way, but successfully navigating them as a couple can be harder than it seems. Whether it's because one of you becomes the caretaker of an aging parent, or because you have to uproot your family and move cross-country, major life transitions can put a strain on any relationship.
But whatever stressor or life upheaval you're going through, "It matters less what the problem actually is, and more [always about] how you deal with it," says Samantha Litzinger, PhD, clinical program director of the Supporting Healthy Relationships program at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, New York.
With this in mind, we spoke with experts to discover ways to navigate nine common life transitions together-and come out as a stronger couple on the other side.
1. You have your first child. [Or more children than you can bear as a couple together.]
Anyone with kids can tell you that having a baby changes everything. But couples continue to be blindsided by the transition.
"A new baby shifts the dynamic of the family," says Dr. Litzinger. "While you once focused solely on each other, now it's all about the baby." To avoid losing sight of your one-on-one relationship, don't wait until you feel like you have time to focus on each other, she says, because that time will never come on its own.
Instead, you have to create time.
You don't need to schedule weekend jaunts or even weekly dates if you're too tired or cash-strapped.
"Even spending 10 minutes together after dinner or when the [baby] is asleep can help you connect," Dr. Litzinger says.
Even if you barely speak and just cuddle on the couch for that 10 minutes, you'll get in the habit of connecting and will avoid losing sight of your relationship. Photo: Thinkstock
2. One of you loses your job.
The shock of losing a job can be immediate and disrupting.
"Your equilibrium is punctured," says James Cordova, PhD, of the Center for Couples and Family Research at Clark University, and author of The Marriage Checkup. "Your predictability and stability is now missing."
The unemployed spouse may feel a blow to his ego and worry about his ability to support the family[, or maintain her independence].
Meanwhile, says Dr. Cordova, "the other spouse, while trying to be supportive, may have a hard time expressing feelings of fear and worry." The result can be both partners hiding their true feelings and withdrawing from each other. Here, Dr. Cordova stresses the importance of keeping the lines of communication open. "Couples who fare best are those who emphasize the 'we-ness' of their relationship."
But, he adds, try to avoid giving job-search advice unless the unemployed partner is asking for it--emotional support is much more helpful than practical advice, which can come across as badgering.
When you talk about your changed circumstances, Dr. Litzinger recommends discussing expectations and working out a new household budget together. Sharing your thoughts as well as addressing the reality of the situation is what will get you through. Photo: Shutterstock
3. You become a caretaker for an elderly parent.
If you're squeezed in a generational sandwich, with kids still at home and parents getting older (and possibly sicker), you may find yourself in the role of caretaker. "The problem that can arise is that with so much on your plate, it's too easy to put your partner last in terms of attention," says Dr. Litzinger.
If you're the main caretaker for a parent--whether that means shuttling your folks to medical appointments, taking over their finances or even finding room in your home for them--be sure you also take care of yourself, too. The best way to be attentive to your spouse is to make yourself a priority.
"If you put your spouse on a list of things and people to take care of, you'll only end up resenting him or her, too," says Dr. Litzinger.
If you are depleted, you can't pay attention to anyone--but if you're practicing self-care, you're less likely to feel resentful. Once you've spent some time caring for yourself, sit down with your partner and discuss how you both feel about your changed circumstances. Photo: Thinkstock
4. You lose a parent.
When there's a death in the family, be sure to give your spouse time and freedom to grieve.
"Often, not enough attention is given to the grieving process," notes Dr. Litzinger. Even if your husband[/wife] is back at work and dealing with regular life, know that [she/]he may still need some TLC.
"Ask [them] what [they] needs[s]," suggests Dr. Cordova, "which will depend on how [they] deal[ing] with the [intense and extremely personally intimate] loss."
For some, extra help around the house is useful; others may welcome distraction, while some people want opportunities to talk about the parent they lost.
[Some will need more physical attention and affection, others will want none. This will also be true for those caught in the throes of Alzheimer's/Dementia, who relive their emotions of deaths perhaps long past.]
Giving your spouse expectation-free support is the key to working through a tough time like this together, says Dr. Cordova. Photo: Thinkstock
5. One of you gets sick.
When one spouse becomes seriously ill, both suffer, says Dr. Cordova. The healthy partner is obviously worried about the other, and is likely dealing with practical issues such as insurance and medical bills. But there's also the fact that he or she is missing out on the intimacy and support they once got from their spouse.
"If that person falls too far into the caretaker role, the dynamic between the couple shifts, which can be dangerous," says Dr. Cordova. If you're in the caretaker role, don't hide your feelings. "If one of you is suffering, the other likely is, too," he says.
You'll probably find that even though your spouse is sick, he or she is worried about you and your relationship as well; being mutually supportive will help you pull through. Photo: Thinkstock
6. One of you seeks a big life change.
When one of you decides to shift careers or go back to school, it can disrupt the balance of your life together. You think that you've figured out your life-long plans, but suddenly they're upended, and worries begin to trickle in about what these changes mean for your finances, future plans and children.
If you're the one who wants to make a change, it's important to talk about your proposed plans in advance; it's never a good idea to spring a big decision on your partner.
And if you're on the other side of the conversation, it can be all too easy to feel resentment. Avoid conflict by using the speaker-listener technique, suggests Dr. Litzinger.
"It's important that you each express what you're feeling, thinking and planning; actually listen to what your partner is saying," she says. You'll need to negotiate a lot of changes, which you can't do without understanding each other's point of view first.
Instead of leaping to conclusions--"This will never work"; "We can't afford it"; "It's selfish and unfair"--listen to what your partner's plans actually are, and work together on the logistics. For example, you can make lists of pros and cons and creatively re-organize your budget jointly, so both partners feel like they're embarking on the journey together. Photo: iStock
7. Your living situation changes.
Whether you're moving into your first home together or transitioning your whole family to another city, state or country, relocating is a major stressor. On top of financial worries and packing, you also have the potential loss of your old community to deal with, says Dr. Litzinger.
In order to get through these major changes, she stresses the importance of talking about your feelings and approaching everything as a team. Humor can be particularly useful.
"Instead of using your spouse as a dumping ground for all your shared stress, try to laugh at it together." she says.
While you're in the process of moving, stay on the same page with each other regarding your budget. And once you have moved, seek out new connections as soon as you can, to avoid relying solely on each other for support and companionship, which can lead to resentments-especially if one of you moved because of the other's job, for example, says Dr. Litzinger. Photo: Thinkstock
8. One of you has an affair.
"Infidelity represents a breach of trust," says Dr. Cordova. "You enter into a relationship having given each other the gift of your trust, so when an affair is discovered it's usually the lying and deceit that is most damaging to the relationship."
If you choose to stay together, know that the road to recovery will be long, and that you can't expect a quick repair.
"Trust is very hard to rebuild; it can take years to get to the point where it feels easy," cautions Dr. Cordova. Enlist social support from family and friends who are sympathetic to both sides.
Counseling is also important.
"Good therapy can make a significant difference; the earlier you go, the better chance you have of working through early feelings of anger," he adds. A marriage therapist can help you sort through the issues that may have led to the affair, and move you slowly in the direction of forgiveness. Photo: iStock
9. Your children move out of the house.
Just as having children changes the dynamic of your marriage, when those kids finally leave home, your relationship will continue to evolve.
"Unless you've been nurturing your marriage all along, you may find you need to get to know each other all over again," says Dr. Litzinger. Don't assume you know your spouse as well as you did on your wedding day; people change, and what you enjoy individually and as a couple may be different now.
"Talk to each other about what you like to do, and what you want to find time for separately, as well as together," says Dr. Litzinger.
Then make plans together, preferably a mix of couple-focused activities and separate pursuits that feed your individual interests.
"When you make time to find out what you like-together and apart-you may find you reconnect and rediscover why you got together in the first place," she says. Photo: Shutterstock
Article originally appeared on WomansDay.com.
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